Xmen, The Live Action Film!
by Hoodoo
Summary: the Xmen and Xvillains! discuss the casting of the movie . . . sillyfic
1. X-men: The Live Action Film!

Disclaimer: Standard stuff. No money made. Characters not mine. Please don't sue.

And yes, I did like the movie. Very enjoyable. But the X-men have opinions that may or may not coincide with my own . . .

Note: For anyone who may possibly care, I've taken out all reference to whatever country Anna Paquin may or may not be born in.

Enjoy!

****

X-men, The Live Action Film!

Jean voiced the thought everyone was pondering as they walked out of the theater.

"So," she said timidly, "what did you think?"

Scott caught her hand. "It was okay."

"Really?" Logan questioned, cupping his hands around a match to light his cigar. He took a drag. "I think I smoke more in real life."

"It's PG-13, Wolvie," Jubilee piped up. "They didn't want you corrupting kids and stuff. Although they _did_ have you riding a motorcycle without a helmet."

He grunted in agreement. "Yer right. Even if they did make it Cyke's bike."

"Well," Professor Xavier broke in quietly, "I personally believe that, although the story was nothing like our trials and tribulations in reality, it will be plenty for the general public to absorb. And Patrick Stewart did a marvelous job of portraying me."

"Don't even get me started on that!" spit Logan, to everyone's surprise. 

Remy, who had already made it to the van, turned back with a start. Everyone stared at Logan. 

"Oh come on!" he continued, seeing the astonishment on their faces. "Hugh Jackman? He's so friggin' _young!_ I mean, he did an okay job an' everything, but please. Everyone knows Kurt Russell should've been cast as me!"

"Kurt Russell?!"

Logan stared back at them as if they were slow. "Yeah—Kurt Russell. You ever see _Escape from New York?_ Or _Escape from LA? _Think about it—Snake Plissken is just like me! Snake _is_ Wolverine!"

Thinking it over a second, Remy agreed. "He be right."

"I guess I do wish Nicole Kidman would have been cast as me," Jean said quietly. "And what was with me being a doctor?"

"That was so they didn't have to put Hank in the film," Ororo replied sagely.

The others nodded.

"Poor Hank. Should we tell him?"

They venomously shook their heads.

"Well, ah have tah say ah was sorely disappointed with Anna Paquin as me," Rogue, who'd been quiet until now, said loudly. "Her Southern accent kept fadin' in an' out, when she remembered tah do it at all!"

"You know," Scott said thoughtfully, "the guy playing me . . . what's his name? James Marsden?"

"Wow! Was he a hottie!" Jean interrupted.

Scott glanced quickly at her. Jubilee clapped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

"Oh—oh, I'm sorry, honey!" she corrected herself, blushing. "Please, go on."

"As I was saying, that _hot_ James Marsden actor depicted me very well," Scott continued. "Although I had always pictured Ben Affleck or Keanu Reeves in the role. But . . . am I always such a stick in the mud?"

"You mean a dick?" Logan snorted.

Everyone cracked up.

Before Scott could retort, Remy said, 

"At least you all be in de movie. Poor Remy, he get no mention at all!"

"That's right!" Jubilee hastened to add. "You were all _doin'_ stuff, and all my cameo was me sittin' at a stupid desk!"

"She did look like you, though, darlin'," Logan pointed out, slipping an arm over her shoulders.

"I guess . . .."

Professor Xavier interrupted the group. "All right, everybody, all right. I know everyone has an opinion about the film, and that is fine. But may I ask that we continue our conversation in the vehicle on the way home? We're beginning to draw a crowd."

Sure enough, movie goers were stopping and pointing. In s second someone would be bold enough to come and ask for an autograph.

With that, the team packed into the van, Ororo driving.

"So what about the bad guys?" Jubilee questioned. "I think Ray Park made Toad really cool!"

It opened up a new can of worms, and they argued happily the whole way home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	2. X-men: The Live Action Film, take 2: the...

Disclaimer: Marvel owns the X-men and their adversaries. 20Th Century Fox owns the movie rights. I make no money from this. Please don't sue. If you did, I suppose you could get my eight year old Suzuki Sidekick with the "BARKLES" license plate, but you absolutely will not get my dogs! My cat, however—that could be arranged.

Notes: I don't normally do follow-ups, but I watched X-Men: the Movie again last weekend in the theater. This time I paid more attention to the villains. Funny. I should have done that earlier. Ray Park's Toad was really cool. Oh well, live and learn.

****

X-Men, the Live Action Movie Part 2: the Villains!

Magnus blew open the emergency-only-exit doors at the front of the theatre and strolled through. Sabretooth had to duck to get through. Mystique sauntered through, blue and naked, and Toad followed them all, whining.

"Why can't we stay for the rest of the credits? Come on, I wanna stay for the rest of the credits. What if there's something _after_ the credits?"

"There's nothing after the credits!" Sabretooth roared. "That's only for Jackie Chan movies!"

[author's note: to be honest, I really don't know if there's anything after the credits. I didn't stay either.] 

"Well, there _could_ be," Toad sulked.Hungry, because Sabretooth and Mystique hogged all the popcorn and Dots, he spied a sparrow perched in a tree near them. He hesitated grabbing it however; maybe they would stop for real food on their way back to the lair.

Mystique, picking at a popcorn kernel in her teeth, noticed his hesitancy. "Oh, go on," she sighed. "I suppose now that they put that scene in the film you'll be eating birds all the time."

He shrugged and snatched the bird from the tree. "At least they got it right," he mumbled around a mouthful of feathers. 

"Very true, Mortimer, very true!" Magnus called back. He seemed in high spirits.

"Whassup with him?" Sabretooth whispered to his two cohorts, jerking a thumb at their boss.

"He's all high and mighty that they got such a distinguished actor to portray him," Mystique whispered back. "He's got nothing to complain about."

"Right," Toad agreed. He appraised Mystique critically. "You know, I don't think that Rebecca Romjin-Stamos has anything on you."

She smiled sweetly at him. "Thank you, Toad. And, admittedly, I was impressed with Ray Park's characterization of you." Her golden eyes grew dreamy. "I'd let him wrap his tongue around me any time."  


Toad puffed up with pride.

"So that's why you have that Darth Maul poster in your room," Sabretooth said in sudden realization.

Mystique ignored him but saw Toad's response. "Not _you,_ Toad, Ray Park. You're actually kind of disgusting. _Ray Park!"_

Sabretooth laughed out loud.

"Oh, and you think it's great you were played by a homeless-looking former wrestler?" Toad sneered. "Is that it?"

Sabretooth laughed again. "Hey, I'm comfortable enough with myself not to let it bother me. Ray Park," he snorted.

Toad struggled to keep from slugging him. He bit his lip, and by sheer will power turned back to Mystique. "So what else? Did you think the rest of the movie was okay?"

"All but one teeny, teeny part during my big fight scene with Wolverine," she replied thoughtfully. "The part where he sliced through my fake blades with his real ones? Don't you think I should've been bleeding or something? I mean, those fake blades were a part of _me."_

Nods of agreement.

She paused, still thinking back on the movie. "Oh, and that other part of the fight where I grab the pole and make my way _upside_ _down_ up the wall. I can't defy gravity!"

The group continued, Magnus still ahead of the other three. After a few seconds of silence, Toad said,

"The only problem I had was—"

"Ray Park!" Sabretooth mocked.

"Shut up, Creed! At least Toad in the movie didn't keep screwing up and losing fights!"

Toad launched himself at Sabretooth, who readied himself for the smaller mutant's attack. Mystique quickly stepped between the two and forced Toad back with a hand on his chest.

"Quit it! We don't want to draw a crowd!" she hissed.

"Fine," spit Toad. As she turned away again, he mouthed, _"You're dead!" _to Sabretooth behind her back.

Sabretooth blew him a kiss.

"What was it you were saying, Morty?" Mystique continued, oblivious.

He forced his breath out through his mouth. "I was saying—before I was rudely interrupted—that the only scene I had a problem with was me crawling all over Grand Central Station's ceiling."

"That's right!" she realized. "Can you climb with your shoes on?"

"Of course not. That was the problem."

"Oh well. They can't get everything right."

They all nodded philosophically.

"Come along!" Magnus called. He was standing impatiently beside the car. "We'll stop for Chinese on the way home."

The three hurried, Toad mentally chiding himself for his feathered snack.

"Hey look," Mystique exclaimed as she opened the door. She pointed across the parking lot. "There's Xavier's gang!"

The Brotherhood turned as one and watched the X-men pile into their van.

"They must have been at the screening too," Magnus stated.

"They must've been the one's throwing popcorn at us!" bellowed Sabretooth.

"Should we stop them? Invite them along?" Mystique fretted, turning back to Magneto.

"No . . ." he replied slowly, thinking it over. "They kicked our ass."

He climbed into the driver's seat without further discussion. His subordinates shrugged to each other and followed suit. 

Sabretooth and Toad picked on each other all the way to House of Chen, until Magnus couldn't stand their bickering anymore and loosened all their fillings in their teeth. Mystique smirked smugly at the two from the front seat. They gave her dirty looks even through the pain in their mouths.

But once inside the restaurant the squabbling stopped, because House of Chen was too good for them risking Magnus ordering them to leave without finishing. 

[author's note: trust me, House of Chen _is_ tasty enough to stop the rivalry. And they're super polite there, so they wouldn't mind mutants eating in the dining room.]

__


End file.
